The Edge: Chapter One, (C) 2004

((beginning of a novel-in-progress. Very first-draft-y, so I'd appreciate any comments.))

Chapter One: The Edge

Ours is a wide, sweeping world. In a thousand years, you could not discover all of its wonders, its delicate nuances, its fragile beauty. Collectively, the human race has discovered innumerable details regarding our world, and yet even these are lacking. For how can anyone describe what they have seen in the world, so that others can see it as they did?

Yes, it is impossible to fully describe our Earth. And even as a whole, we have only seen a fraction of it. For below a shimmering curtain of richest blue silk, there dwells another world, whose surface we have just begun to scratch. The sea hides many secrets, secrets that no human knows.

***

The seaweed around the reef was lush and green, swaying gently to a music that even Aranis could not hear. She smiled, whipping past it to the coral that spread before her, its glorious red tendrils reaching to the unseen Surface. Her pale, thin fingers reached out to gently brush against the crimson wall, so delicately that it did not give even a little under her touch.

“Hanor!” she called softly, pulling her hand away and looking around. “Hanor, where are you?”

A male mer of about fourteen years swam lazily into view, a slow smile forming on his pale face. “You needn’t scream, Aranis. I’m right here.” Her flicked his gleaming blue tail lightly at her, a faint stream of bubbles forming in its wake.

Aranis rolled her eyes, lightly slapping him with her own yellow tail. “We’re going to be late, Hanor. Stop fooling around and show me what you wanted to show me.”

Hanor laughed teasingly, his bright blue eyes twinkling as he gave her a wink. “Follow me, then!” With that, he sped off, his strong tail pumping to keep him moving extremely fast.

“Hey!” Aranis protested, hurrying after him. “Wait up!”

She followed the string of bubbles that trailed behind him, legs and tail flailing as she attempted to keep up. The scenery sped past her, making her dizzy, and she shook her head to clear it. “Ugh...Hanor!”

His laugh floated back to her. “Come on!” His yell was like a whisper because of the distance.

“Slow down!” she shrieked, but she wasn’t sure he heard her. “Where are we going?”

Suddenly, she lost sight of the bubbles, and her eyes grew wide. Had she lost him? But no; she could see him, hovering. He had simply come to a stop.
“We’re here,” he whispered.

She looked up, her tail tensing. She had not noticed it before, but now that they had arrived, she knew she should have realized where they were headed.

The Edge.

An enormous, translucent blue wall arched around and above them, invisible except for the green flashes of electricity that darted across it. A faint humming sound came from it, making Aranis’s ears ring.

Her tail muscles tensed, and she looked at Hanor. “We’re not supposed to be here...”

Hanor grinned tauntingly. “Oh, what, are you scared? Sounds as though your belly is as yellow as your tail...”

Aranis frowned. “Hanor, we could get in huge trouble for being here...”

“Ah, so you’re afraid of getting caught, hmm? Well, no need to worry – no one comes here. That’s because they’re all scared like you...scared of the monsters, huh?”

Aranis shook her head silently, backing away from the Edge. There was magic here. Yes, it protected Atlantis, but magic was not to be toyed with. Out-of-control magic could create horrendous things...dark creatures...

“S-so, you brought me all this way to...to show me a wall, is that it? Or to scare me out of my wits?”

“No, of course not.” Hanor grinned. “I wanted to show you this.”

He sat down on the ocean floor and began scooping out sand with his hand. When he released it, it floated away, like weightless glitter. Finally, he reached down into the little hole and pulled out a round stone the size of his fist. It was a deep violet, and it pulsed with a soft, quiet light.

“I found it hidden in a reef nearby...I decided to bury it so nobody would take it. Isn’t it beautiful?”

Aranis gazed at the stone. It was indeed beautiful. Amongst the violet she could see other colors, like rainbow glints in mother-of-pearl. The colors twisted and shimmered, forming odd shapes...

And then Aranis felt as though she was being pulled in, and the light became tendrils, grabbing her without her feeling them and dragging her into their depths...

*****

Magic was coursing through her body, and she controlled it, and it controlled her, and they were one. She held the stone in her hands, and she controlled the light as well.

And then the light took her, and she lost control. And the light ruled. And she was no longer Aranis, but the light, cruel and fierce.

*****

She jerked her eyes away, gasping softly. “I saw...what was...”

Hanor looked at her, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

Aranis shook her head, though her hands were shaking. “N-nothing...nothing at all...I just...we...we’re going to be late, Hanor.”

Hanor sighed and replaced the stone in the hole. “I take you all this way, and that’s all you can think about. All right, come on then.”

“Hanor...?”

“Yes?”

“What is it...what is it about the stone you like so much?”

“Why, it’s pretty, I suppose. And...well...when I’m around it...I feel calm...content...like the whole world was at peace...”

She shot him a haughty look. “The whole world -is- at peace. Atlantis is, anyway.” With that, she sped off, shaking her head.

Hanor caught up with her quickly. “And why is it you -don’t- like the stone?”

“It just...it...I don’t know.” She looked at him. “Hurry up,” she muttered, speeding off again.

The stone was evil. She could feel it. It was full of magic...and not the protective kind.

She hoped it would stay buried forever. If she refused to go there with Hanor again, maybe he’d forget about it.

Tired concepts, used named for objects and races and places. Suitable for people who like magic and mer people perhaps.

Does it have a niche in the market? Possibly, but not a big one if there is one. Odds of getting published without knowing someone in the industry are virtually nill with this type of document. It'll be on the slush pile.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm giving you the truth here. My recommendation: Never use Atlantis for anything unless you happen to be a large established existing franchise with a lot of money. Never use existing names (mer for instance). Provide descriptions of culutres and how things operate, although not overtly but through the course of them being used (this gives you good interesting filler plus wires the reader into the story).

This isn't the case for everything, of course. There are existing niches that have done quite well. Dragon stories, talking animal stories, even lost empire stories. A lot of people enjoy the familiarity of a niche, it's comfortable, and so they look for stories related to it. But you've targeted a very small niche.

The writing itself is good though. Nothing too wrong there. You just need to add more original detal, and pump in a bit more culture. Try making your paragraphs longer (the prose). The dialog is well done, and you're lucky there. For some reason a lot of people have difficulty with dialog. If you can hear their voices in your head as you're writing them, then you've got the gift. Just listen to what they say and write it down. That takes care of the dialog part so the only thing you've really got to work on is your prose. It's got to be mixed in well with the dialog.

Thanks for your comments. ^^ Things like that are things I need to be told, as I'm a 14-year-old with no knowledge about the market and things like that. Thanks so much.

You don't know anything at all... especially not how to keep your hands away from the hair on my head. Anyways, you write well, but I don't really like the subject (or niche, as Sumdood calls it).

Don't touch my hair again, little one, or I might bite it your hand off next time . And then I will chew the bony hand and swallow it, making it impossible for you to have it re-attached.

-blink- are you commenting on the story, or insulting my intelligence and talking about your hair...? I promised I wouldn't touch it anymore, remember? Not that that has anything to do with anything...